Here and There and Back Again

So I am going back.

Sometimes I would say I wasn't ready to go back. Maybe in two years, maybe in three.
Maybe when I am writing my PhD dissertation (ah, life plan changes!). I mean, to be
fair, 6 months after I returned from the bizarre world that is Rwanda, I was still
waking up at night thinking I heard the metal doors of Murambi opening again, and I had to
confront those endless rooms again. I climbed up the stairs to my room, thinking I was
entering a church I had totally pushed out of my memory - only to realize that the figure I saw
on my futon was not the ghoulish white body of a nameless Rwandan victim, but my roommate's
jacket, thrown carelessly on the seat. I hated a lot of things - hated myself for going, hated people around me for not "getting it", hated my extracurricular (once my pride and joy in life) and its dramatic politics. Most of all, I hated being out of control of what I felt - I am, unlike the state of my room, a very OCD person when it comes to my emotions, and enjoy when my head rules my heart. But for the first time in a very, very long time, I had to give up. I wasn't going to
"get over it" and was not "on top of it", I was a mess, and yes, I was (sort of) okay with it.

So I became "that kid" who reevaluated how she lived after going to [insert third world/war torn/difficult country here]. (We all, at least I, struggle to be something that everyone is not - but often times what we end up with is adopting a slightly less common cliche. Shout out: Kundera's Eternity.) I am not sure all of my changes were apparent, but they were quite real to me - I am now pretty okay with limbo, "I don't know" is an acceptable answer, and being under control of something bigger than myself is natural. How does one really know what it means to lose everyone you knew, everyone? How does one really "get over" the fact that tens and thousands of people are lying there, dead, silent, deformed - waiting for someone to give them significance? In total anonymity? I don't know - and I don't have to feel pressured to put everything in a neat little box of logic. It's chaotic, and I'm lost, and that's okay. Same with my life. I'll eventually figure it out as it goes, and all I can do is, stop running away, face it, and embrace it. Despite what all the cynics love to say, effort does count, and the process is as meaningful as the end goal. Even if I am unsure of what everything will mean in the "very end", I am happy with doing what I feel is right, what is good, what is the best I can do in the situation. Hey, the universe is only real in this second. So I decided not to simply agonize and turn away, and lose myself somewhere between guilt and normalcy, but dip my whole self back into the thick of everything that threw my life astray, and see what comes of it.

[Dramatic pause]

So I'm going back. And I know it's going to be awesome.

My ostensible reason for going back is to do thesis research- given that my thesis topic changed
till the very last minute, how efficient I will be is quite questionable. There will be a lot of fumbling around, bothering a lot of people with a lot of questions, etc. But I'm excited - the general area I am researching on is something that I was always curious about, I am excited to see Emmanuel's new kid, I am excited to see Moses (Yay!), Godfrey, Fulgence, Yves (and his ridiculous red Volkswagan), Freddy (and his big smile and big hugs)....I can't wait to kick back with a book and a canned (YES canned wtf) Hoegaarden (rare treat) or Primus (Yeah African beer!). I mean, duh, I'm freaked out like none other and need constant affirmation that I won't mentally collapse again, but in the end I know it's going to be good.

So, if you were curious, I am researching about the evolution of the victims organization IBUKA as an (relatively) independent voice in civil society. How did IBUKA maintain, more or less, its position as an independent citizen voice? How has its objectives and strategies changed? What is its relationship with the government, and how does its "narrow" definition of genocide victims fit into the overarching program of reconciliation and creation of unified "Rwandan" identity? Etc, etc. Yep, I kind of have no clue. But I'll figure it out, right? Only a child can be inspired, blank slate be drawn on. (DRAMATIC. Call me out, I'm slightly bashful myself)

My flight leaves Friday, 6am. Boston-DC-Addis Ababa-Kigali. Unlike last year, I am not living next doors to my boss, so I don't have to work 7-midnight every day, so hopefully this blog won't die after four posts. AND I got a new camera, so hopefully I'll have some visuals to aid you :)

Whoever is reading this, if I know you, chances are I will miss you. Please email/leave comments. Tell me what you ate for lunch, dinner, what you said to your annoying roommate, what you saw on your dailly run, what happened when you were high, you know, the whole shebang.

Next time - talk to you all in Kigali, Rwanda!